does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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