i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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