i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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