dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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