If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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