How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
