Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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