Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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