haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
