I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
