I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
