The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
