My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
