you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
