watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
