So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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