OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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