I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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