chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
