I met the friendliest cop last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
NoShamevember. You game?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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