did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
