I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
