God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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