I have demons in me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
