I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
