Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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