me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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