i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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