You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
