Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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