i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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