Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
