Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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