why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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