The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm always down for nudity.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
