I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
