So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
