i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think your dad took our porno
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
