her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
