There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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