went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
