fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
