So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
