So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
