its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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