Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
