I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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