whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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