dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
