The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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