Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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