have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
