We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
