I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
