My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
a search helicopter?!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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