I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
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You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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