I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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