i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
how does that bad decision feel?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
