I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I want to walk on stilts...naked
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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