i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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