after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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